can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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