so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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