I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
