I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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