This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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