How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
