then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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