Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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