The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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