K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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