Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
