We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
