On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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