when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
