I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
