peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
