I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
