I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
