youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
