Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
