I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
