I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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