Banned from zoo.
Again?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
