I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
