Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
