Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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