there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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