Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
