Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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