my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
