I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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