i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
