do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
