I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
they're like a gay fantastic four
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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