Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
