I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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