I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dignity is for republicans.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
