OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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