Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
