the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
