Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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