We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
