I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
