Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
