My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
