you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
