thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
