you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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