Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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