I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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