my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
