My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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