I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
