You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
