i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
