well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
not ubering you a puppy
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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