I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
