guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
That accounts for only three of the penises
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
